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SITE NAME: Blossy's WorldOPENED: 07/09/2011
OWNER: Blossy
TYPE: Personal
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Anata ga Kirai/Suki Desu
Title: Anata ga Kirai/Suki Desu aka I Hate/Love You
Genre: Romance, Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst
Pairings: Miura Haruma/Inoue Mao
Story Type: One Shot
Rating: Rated K+
Rating: Rated K+
Summary: He was dared to sleep with me while I was forced.
That night he broke through my barrier, taken away my innocence and scarred me for life.
Now that he had returned in my life, what should I do to the guy who destroyed me?
That night he broke through my barrier, taken away my innocence and scarred me for life.
Now that he had returned in my life, what should I do to the guy who destroyed me?
Credits:
Thanking Markie Artwork @ Adorable Luv for making this A-MA-ZING poster for me! Thank you so much!
Disclaimer
The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
That bastard returned from overseas. He was in the same school and the same class as me. It has been two years since that night he destroyed me.
Two years, and I couldn't forget that night.
I was fourteen years old and already looking like an adult. Because of my early developed body, I took advantage of it and dressed up like an adult. It may be the reason I had boys falling for me every day. It may also be the reason I was popular and the jealousy of all the girls.
He was also the popular guy in school yet we never talked. One day, our paths crossed. It was a high school party and I was a gatecrasher just because I was curious what a high school party was like.
I wish I had never gone. That incident would never have happened.
That night at the party his friends dared him to sleep with me. They thought I was easy. They never cared how innocent I was inside.
That night at the party I was forced to sleep with him. It was too late when I realised what his plans were. He lured me to an isolated part of the house. I at first thought he was being nice as the music and the drink was too much for me, but what a fool I was. As soon as we were alone, he jumped on me. I couldn't fight him off. He was strong, he was a guy. He didn't care that I was screaming, crying or begging him to stop. He didn't care that he was hurting me.
That night my world came to a standstill. He had broken through my barrier, he had taken away my innocence and he had scarred me for life.
After that night, I never saw him again. He never came back to school nor was I there to notice. It was a few months later when I was able to return to school, did I learn he had travelled abroad with his family. By then I was no longer the naive popular girl.
I was a high school girl now. I had matured into a girl who lost all trust in people, a girl who was emotionally scarred and the girl who was frightened of all males.
He had no idea what he had done to me.
Yet, here he was back. Smiling, laughing with the other students. He probably never thought back to that night whereas I could never forget the living nightmare that still haunts me.
He was once again a popular student. I was not. I was anti-social, refusing to make friends, refusing to let anyone in my scarred heart.
Two months later since he had returned, he finally spoke to me. I glared at him for having the nerve to smile at me after what he had done.
“My name is Miura Haruma,” he introduced himself like I didn't know him. “You’re Inoue Mao, right?” I refused to talk to him or look him straight in the eye. He went on talking as I sat on my desk ignoring his existence. The other students were doing their own thing as it was a free period. “I’ve talked to everyone in class but never you. You’re always by yourself.” He paused as a thought occurred. “Ah, I heard you don't like guys. Is there a reason for it?”
Anger boiled inside me. That bastard had the nerve to ask me that question. I scraped my chair back and stood up. He took a step back as he had been leaning on my desk to speak to me. I raised my hand and before he could phantom what was going to happen next, I slapped him. My classmates stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shock.
Without a word I walked out of the classroom, leaving everyone and him wondering what the slap was for.
The next time we spoke was the next day. My classmates had been shunning me the whole day which didn't affect me as I never spoke to them in the first place. I was eating my lunch at the roof top that was like a sanctuary to me until he turned up. At first I saw the surprised look on his face when he spotted me but then his face expression turned cloudy stopping me from reading him.
“You may hate me,” he spoke, anger could be detected in his voice, “but that doesn't mean you can just slap any guy.”
I glared at him, pushing my lunch box away as I had lost my appetite.
“If you don't leave now, I will get angry,” I said although anger was already building inside me.
He let out a dry laugh. “You’re getting angry? I’m the one who’s angry. Why did I have to be slapped for? Especially in front of everyone!”
“You ask me why?” I choked. I stood up from the bench and stalked up to him, my face just inches away from him. “Did you really forget?”
His anger suddenly subsided and confusion spread across his face. “Forget?” he echoed. “Do I know you? Is that why you’re angry? Because I forgot you?”
I blew a frustrated breath of air. “Bastard,” I cursed under my breath. He really forgot what he had done. While I lived in misery, he had been living a blissful life. “Go die!” I shouted, taking him by surprise once again. I turned on my heel and left. Because he ruined my mood I went straight home.
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I did not return to school until the following Monday. At the sight of him I felt sick and spent the morning resting in the infirmary where he had found me during lunch break.
“Are you avoiding me?” he asked.
I was lying on the bed, my back facing him which was why I had no idea he had entered. I stilled at the sound of his voice. I then whipped around and sat up abruptly.
“W-what are you doing h-here?” I stuttered.
I glanced around searching for the school nurse who was nowhere to be seen, I was alarmed to be alone with him and I brought the white sheet closer to me like a protective shield.
“I was looking for you.”
My eyes widened. I shifted away from him on the bed, coming to the edge of the bed and on the verge of falling off.
“Why are you getting scared?” he questioned in disbelief. “I won’t hurt you.”
“Liar!” I roared as I recalled the night. “Don't lie to me, you bastard!”
“I’m not lying,” he protested. “Why would you think that?”
I clamped my ears and shook my head. “No!” I screamed. “Get away from me!”
He advanced forward in an attempt to stop me from screaming only I got even more scared and the night he raped me became so vivid that I was hysteric. The school nurse finally came with the other teachers after hearing me. They even tried to stop me but the images would not stop replaying in my head. It was when the screaming and trying to push everyone away became tiring, I gave in to exhaustion and fell unconscious.
------------
I never saw him for weeks after since summer break had started, after I refused to return to school that week the incident in the infirmary occurred. Summer break ended and I was forced to go back to school as my parents thought I was missing too much of it lately. They had no idea about my rapist attending that school but they also had no idea what had happened two years ago. No one but I knew what had happened.
In science class I was forced to partner up with him as a lab partner despite my protest. Even he protested. After the incident at the infirmary he refused to look at me. It suited me fine. The teacher refused to change partners and they were being graded for the project.
The deadline was in two weeks which meant I was stuck with him for that long. We would meet in the library after school. We hardly spoke, only a few words would be exchanged because of our work. It only went on for the first week.
“This is ridiculous!” he exclaimed an hour later after we met up at the library on the Monday. I glanced up from the book I was reading for our research to see the frustration he was feeling. “I can’t stand it that I have to meet you every day after school for hours and we hardly speak!”
He was lucky that we were in a private room where it was special for some students. I made sure I was next to the door and I was always on guard. If he made any attempt to come closer, I would run out the room every time. He soon stopped moving from his seat until it was time to go.
“There is nothing ridiculous about it,” I said, holding my hand in a nonchalant gesture. “Why do we need to talk if we only need to do our work? Besides, I don't even want to talk to you, let alone be anywhere near you.”
He gasped. “I don't know why you hate me so much.” He paused as he recalled something. “You said I forgot something. Does that mean we knew each other before?”
I sent a chilling glare towards him. “Don't bring it up,” I warned.
“Why can’t you just tell me?”
“Every time I recall the past, I feel like I’m going to vomit. Every time I see your face, I remember and it makes me sick to the stomach. I still remember after that night how I would think of ways I would kill you.”
“Night? Kill me?”
I let out a short bitter laugh. “Ah, the ways I would think of killing you. How I wished you would never exist. How I wished you never destroyed me how you did.”
“What are you talking about?” he said in frustration, unable to understand me.
“Two years ago, do you not remember the night you raped me?”
He gasped. His eyes widened, his mouth hung open yet he could not utter a word.
“How could you forget the night you ruined me?” I went on accusing him. “How dare you forget what you have done? Did I never cross your mind at all?”
I was fuming once I finished. I got to my feet and left him still in shock. Tears welled at the corner of my eyes. My emotions that I tried to bury, were rushing back.
--------------
The next day when I got to school, I was surprised to find him missing. I didn't know if I should be relieved or depressed. Did he think he could start ignoring me now? I wouldn't have cared if he never came back to school only the professor warned me that if we fail to do the project, he will flunk us.
Wednesday came and there was still no sign of him. I was getting anxious as I refused to come to after school classes for the rest of the year. After school, I got his address from the homeroom teacher, who was happy to know I cared although he had no idea what my real intentions were.
It took me half an hour to find his house. It was white and huge. I hesitated before I rang the bell on the gate and waited nervously. It shocked me that I was willing to find him even if it was for my grades. I thought I’d despise him so much that I wouldn't care. Yet, here I was.
“Yes?” a female voice startled me. I looked around to see if anyone came out to find the place still deserted. “Can I help you?” the voice I realised was coming from the intercom.
“Urm... I’m Miura-san’s classmate,” I spoke quietly.
“Oh,” the woman merely said. I thought she might refuse to let me in, but the heavy metal gates opened in front of me.
I slowly walked to the house. Just as I got to the door, the door opened and a maid stepped out. She slightly bowed at me respectfully then motioned me inside without a word. I wondered if it was okay for me to go in. My thoughts drifted to the expensive layout of the house and it finally dawned to me that Haruma Miura was a rich kid.
I was guided to the living room, walking right behind the maid who was a few inches taller than my five foot two inches height.
“You said my friend came...” I heard him say to the maid who stepped to a side for him to get a view of me. His voice trailed off when his eyes landed on me. A gasp escaped his mouth. “W-w-what are you doing here?”
The maid bowed at us and left us while I stayed silence. We stared at each other uncomfortably until I finally decided to speak.
“At least finish the project before you do a disappearing act,” I told him,
He frowned. “Aren’t you scared to be alone with me?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I am scared of you but I’m also scared of staying behind at school late.”
He sighed and walked to the sofas and I followed him to sit opposite him. Silence once again enveloped us. “I was thinking of that night all this time,” he began startling me.
“I didn't come here to talk about that,” I coldly replied.
“But I want to talk about it,” he persisted. “I want to explain myself. It’s not an excuse but I still want you to listen.”
I bit my bottom lip stopping myself from crying. I had enough of that for two years. I just wanted to forget everything and move on.
“Two years ago I was a selfish rich brat,” he continued taking my silence as a go-ahead. “I was immature and loved everyone’s attention on me. So, when my so-called friends dared me to sleep with you,” I winced at the word, “I was a fool to listen. But... I didn't know who you were. I thought you were a high school girl just like all the girls there. I thought you were experienced. I was drunk. I couldn't stop when you were crying under me. I’m sorry.”
I buried my face in my hands, shaking and crying now. I could feel his eyes on me but I kept crying. The tears that I thought had dried over the years were flowing uncontrollably.
“The next day when my friends told me who you were I felt disgusted with myself,” he said over my sobbing. “I never forgot. I could never forget. When the night became clear after the hangover, I never was able to sleep well again. The screaming, crying and begging haunted me. I didn't return to school as I could never face you again. Apologising would never have eased the pain I have caused you.
“But now I wish I did come back to apologise even if I wouldn't be forgiven rather that run away. I had no idea I have given you a phobia towards men. I had no idea I have ruined your life. You dressed so differently that I didn't recognise you. I didn't even know your name”
Although, I can never forgive him, hearing him tell me those things, lifted some resentment towards him. I felt some weight lifting from my chest. I felt like I could breathe. I cried my fullest. I promised it would be the last time I cried over my past. I was determined to stand back up again.
It must have been an hour later that I finally calmed down. I wiped the tears away and sat up from my position. My eyes widened seeing Haruma staring at me. He had not moved from his place and looked like he was in pain.
“Inoue-san,” he spoke hoarsely. It sounded like he had been crying rather than me. “I vow that I’ll make up at least five percent of the pain I caused you. I know I can never make up for the other ninety-five percent but that five percent, I’ll use all my life to make it up. I’ll help you with anything you want. I’ll be there for you from now on doing whatever it takes to bring you back to your feet.”
I nearly choked at his confession. It took me by surprise. “Don't,” I quickly said. “Don't promise me anything.”
“I want to!” he cut in. “I promise that I’d do anything to make sure you have a happy life.”
-------------
After that vow he had made, he was true to it. We finished our project yet he stuck to me like glue in school and out. I was still cold towards him but I never pushed him away. I was shocked at myself for able to put up with him.
Wasn't it the last two years I have been thinking of how I hated him? How I thought of murdering him in the most horrible way? It was strange I after those two years meeting him changed my thoughts all together.
I still haven’t forgiven him.
But I couldn't hate him any longer. Not when he was trying so hard to please me.
Although my other classmates tried to steer him away from me, the nerd me, he refused to hang out with them unless I would too. In the end I was forced to hang out with them. At first I hated hanging with them, but soon I began to enjoy myself. Without realising it, I was starting to open up to my classmates and they began liking my presence.
One time I walked home late in the evening because I had been hanging around with my classmates. Haruma had been ill that day so he hadn't turned up. I suddenly felt the chills going up my spine when I felt a presence behind me. I hastened my steps. I heard the person behind me increase their speed.
My breath hitched when I realised I have walked into a dead end. I whipped around to face the pursuer. A lewd guy stood in front of me, his eyes were droopy and his mouth quirked up in a smirk.
“Hey, little girl,” the guy snickered. “What is a girl like you doing out late?”
I looked over him trying to find ways I could escape without him catching me but there was no way out. I was trapped. Dreadful thoughts ran through my mind. Would I be raped again? Was once not enough?
I backed away to the wall as he advanced closer. I was shaking in fear. “No!” I screamed. “Get away!”
“Shut up, you bitch,” the guy yelled angrily. “No one’s coming to save you.”
Just when he tried to grab for me, his raised hand was caught by another hand, holding onto it tightly. I gasped. In the dark I could make out the tall silhouette. Haruma. After hanging around with him a lot, I could recognise him anywhere now, even in the dark.
“Who said no one will come to save her?” he said. His voice was haggard and he sounded breathless making me believe he had been running. “Bastard, if you don’t take a hike, I’ll castrate you.”
The guy cowered under his height. He then pulled his hand back and ran away. Haruma let out a breath of air and turned to me.
“Are you okay?” he quickly asked in concern. “He never touched you did he?”
I shook my head. “You came just in time,” I was glad my voice wasn't shaky like I felt. “I thought you were ill. What are you doing here?”
He let out another breath of air. “Hamano-chan,” he was referring to our classmate Hamano Ayumu, “said that you persisted to go home alone and was worried. I thought of how stupid you were and ran all the way here.”
I was touched. Even when he was ill, he came to my rescue. He was really taking his promise very seriously. “Thank you for coming,” I whispered and tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes. “Really, thank you.”
“Stupid girl,” he muttered. He fell forward.
I quickly stepped forward and caught him before he fell to ground. He had lost conscious. Once my skin touched his, I felt the heat emitting from him that was more than normal body heat.
“Stupid boy,” I muttered back. “Why are you doing this to me?”
I was referring to my heart that was pounding hard in my chest just holding him. I didn't want to admit, that I have started to fall for him, the guy who I had claimed to have ruined my life, had taken my innocence and scarred me. Lately I realised that my world that had been in a standstill because of him had started to move again and it was because of him.
Haruma Miura had destroyed me. Haruma Miura had saved me.
My train of thoughts was cut off when his weight was crushing me. My knees buckled and I fell on the dirty ground with him crashing down on top of me. I held his head up as I sat up straight and allowed his head to rest on my shoulder. It felt comfortable. Taking out my cell phone I called the Miura residence and asked them to come pick him up.
I sat there in the dark, listening to his breathing rhythm. I kept him close to my body, hoping to keep him warm.
----------------
Through the winter break, I had presumed that I wouldn't see Haruma until the break ended but to my surprise he called me out the first day of our break. I had expected us to be hanging around with our classmates like we usually do. It was just the two of us.
For the first week, we watched movies, played in arcades, sang in a karaoke place and ate in different places. To me it felt like a date but I doubt Haruma thought the same way as I did. He was only obligated to be with me. On Christmas Day he took me to a very beautiful place up at the roof top of an abandoned factory. I wasn't frightened of being alone with him by then. He brought a cake, gave me a necklace as a present and waited to show me the fireworks that lit the night sky.
On New Year’s we met up with our classmates who wanted to hang out. I was a little upset that I couldn't be alone with him.
My classmate, Ryo Nishikido, noticed me pouted and questioned it out loud. “What’s up, Inoue-chan?”
I glared at him for bringing all the attention on me. I forced on a smile. “Nothing. I’m fine.” Seeing as he wasn't taking my answer seriously I went on. “It’s just it will be another year. I’m just thinking what I’m grateful for, that’s all.”
It seemed that he was finally satisfied with the answer. His girlfriend beside him agreed. “I know what you mean,” Ayumu exclaimed.
Christine, my other female classmate who is also our usual crowd, shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. “You should be thinking that all the time. Be grateful for what you have, right Pi-kun?”
Pi, Tomohisa Yamashita, was Christine’s boyfriend. He nodded. “Of course, darling.”
It was always the six of us hanging around. There were four other guys, Keiichiro Koyama, Takahisa Masuda, Shigeki Kato and Yuya Tegoshi who would hang out with them some times. But those guys irked me the most as they were the biggest perverts. Actually, Ryo and Pi were also perverts but with their girlfriends keeping them on a leash, I wasn't scared of them as much. Though I was more open now, it was still hard for me to get close to guys.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Haruma asked as he walked me home. “You were quiet all this time.”
My head shot up to look him straight in the eye. I had no idea he had noticed. “I-I’m fine.”
“Really?” he wasn't convinced. “You’re talking to Haruma-sama here. You can’t hide anything from Haruma-sama.”
My mouth quirked up into a smile and then seconds later I burst out laughing. He had always made me laugh whenever he referred to himself in third person. Once my laughter died down, I looked at him seriously.
“Haruma-kun,” I said, “if you never returned I don't think I would have ever come out of my shell. No matter what happened in the past, I decided to bury it and move forward.”
He had that pained expression back on his face whenever he thought of what he had done. “I’m glad.”
My face softened. “So, you don't need to stay beside me as if you’re compelled to.”
He gasped. “I don't...”
“I like you,” I blurted out causing him to stop short on his protest. He clamped his mouth and stared at me in shock and confusion. “I never thought I’d fall for you but I have despite the past. Once I got to know the real you, I began to fall for you. Today’s the end of the year and we’re just friends. I want to start off next year being more friends.”
He kept his mouth shut tightly. I was dejected as I took his silence as a rejection.
“Sorry,” I quickly went on. “I had no idea that I was being selfish. I’m so sorry. I just blurted it out like that without thinking of your feelings. Forget what I said. We’ll stay as fr...”
A hand clamped my mouth stopping me from finishing the sentence. “Don't take it back,” he half-pleaded and half-cried out. “How could you possibly take it back after confessing?”
I didn't know what to think. Did that mean he wanted us to me more than friends?
“I like you too,” he admitted. “I just didn't want to tell you because I didn't deserve you after the pain I had caused you. I thought you would never return my feelings so I kept it to myself.” His face crumpled up as if he was about to cry. He let go of my mouth and traced my jaw line with the back of his hand. “To hear you say that you like me too, I don't know if I deserve it.”
I shook my head, causing him to drop his hands to his side, and cupped his chin and pulling it down. Before he could comprehend what I was going to do, I tiptoed to meet his lips. After a few seconds I pulled back and grinned toothily.
“Let’s forget about the past and think about our future,” I announced, letting go of his chin and taking a step back. “Since we both like each other, we’ll just start from there.”
A slow smile appeared on his mouth. He then wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Our faces were an inch away. We could feel each other’s breath. I gazed into his brown orbs.
“Yes,” he agreed, breathlessly. “Let’s start dating from tomorrow.”
I giggled only to be cut off when his mouth smacked into mine once, twice and many more times.
It was funny how I could fall in love with him, but I have fallen head over heels. My hate for him had grown to love. I don't know if I have forgiven him but I don't blame him anymore.
The past had been forgotten. The future had started to plan out for us. Even when we were dating, he always went an extra mile just to please me. Christine and Ayumu whined to their boyfriends demanding them to be sweet like Haruma while Ryo and Pi complained to Haruma to tone his love for me down.
That year there was so many changes. I no longer was an anti-social girl, I had friends and my heart wasn't scarred anymore. I loved him and he loved me back. That year my blissful life started with him...
Two years, and I couldn't forget that night.
I was fourteen years old and already looking like an adult. Because of my early developed body, I took advantage of it and dressed up like an adult. It may be the reason I had boys falling for me every day. It may also be the reason I was popular and the jealousy of all the girls.
He was also the popular guy in school yet we never talked. One day, our paths crossed. It was a high school party and I was a gatecrasher just because I was curious what a high school party was like.
I wish I had never gone. That incident would never have happened.
That night at the party his friends dared him to sleep with me. They thought I was easy. They never cared how innocent I was inside.
That night at the party I was forced to sleep with him. It was too late when I realised what his plans were. He lured me to an isolated part of the house. I at first thought he was being nice as the music and the drink was too much for me, but what a fool I was. As soon as we were alone, he jumped on me. I couldn't fight him off. He was strong, he was a guy. He didn't care that I was screaming, crying or begging him to stop. He didn't care that he was hurting me.
That night my world came to a standstill. He had broken through my barrier, he had taken away my innocence and he had scarred me for life.
After that night, I never saw him again. He never came back to school nor was I there to notice. It was a few months later when I was able to return to school, did I learn he had travelled abroad with his family. By then I was no longer the naive popular girl.
I was a high school girl now. I had matured into a girl who lost all trust in people, a girl who was emotionally scarred and the girl who was frightened of all males.
He had no idea what he had done to me.
Yet, here he was back. Smiling, laughing with the other students. He probably never thought back to that night whereas I could never forget the living nightmare that still haunts me.
He was once again a popular student. I was not. I was anti-social, refusing to make friends, refusing to let anyone in my scarred heart.
Two months later since he had returned, he finally spoke to me. I glared at him for having the nerve to smile at me after what he had done.
“My name is Miura Haruma,” he introduced himself like I didn't know him. “You’re Inoue Mao, right?” I refused to talk to him or look him straight in the eye. He went on talking as I sat on my desk ignoring his existence. The other students were doing their own thing as it was a free period. “I’ve talked to everyone in class but never you. You’re always by yourself.” He paused as a thought occurred. “Ah, I heard you don't like guys. Is there a reason for it?”
Anger boiled inside me. That bastard had the nerve to ask me that question. I scraped my chair back and stood up. He took a step back as he had been leaning on my desk to speak to me. I raised my hand and before he could phantom what was going to happen next, I slapped him. My classmates stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shock.
Without a word I walked out of the classroom, leaving everyone and him wondering what the slap was for.
The next time we spoke was the next day. My classmates had been shunning me the whole day which didn't affect me as I never spoke to them in the first place. I was eating my lunch at the roof top that was like a sanctuary to me until he turned up. At first I saw the surprised look on his face when he spotted me but then his face expression turned cloudy stopping me from reading him.
“You may hate me,” he spoke, anger could be detected in his voice, “but that doesn't mean you can just slap any guy.”
I glared at him, pushing my lunch box away as I had lost my appetite.
“If you don't leave now, I will get angry,” I said although anger was already building inside me.
He let out a dry laugh. “You’re getting angry? I’m the one who’s angry. Why did I have to be slapped for? Especially in front of everyone!”
“You ask me why?” I choked. I stood up from the bench and stalked up to him, my face just inches away from him. “Did you really forget?”
His anger suddenly subsided and confusion spread across his face. “Forget?” he echoed. “Do I know you? Is that why you’re angry? Because I forgot you?”
I blew a frustrated breath of air. “Bastard,” I cursed under my breath. He really forgot what he had done. While I lived in misery, he had been living a blissful life. “Go die!” I shouted, taking him by surprise once again. I turned on my heel and left. Because he ruined my mood I went straight home.
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I did not return to school until the following Monday. At the sight of him I felt sick and spent the morning resting in the infirmary where he had found me during lunch break.
“Are you avoiding me?” he asked.
I was lying on the bed, my back facing him which was why I had no idea he had entered. I stilled at the sound of his voice. I then whipped around and sat up abruptly.
“W-what are you doing h-here?” I stuttered.
I glanced around searching for the school nurse who was nowhere to be seen, I was alarmed to be alone with him and I brought the white sheet closer to me like a protective shield.
“I was looking for you.”
My eyes widened. I shifted away from him on the bed, coming to the edge of the bed and on the verge of falling off.
“Why are you getting scared?” he questioned in disbelief. “I won’t hurt you.”
“Liar!” I roared as I recalled the night. “Don't lie to me, you bastard!”
“I’m not lying,” he protested. “Why would you think that?”
I clamped my ears and shook my head. “No!” I screamed. “Get away from me!”
He advanced forward in an attempt to stop me from screaming only I got even more scared and the night he raped me became so vivid that I was hysteric. The school nurse finally came with the other teachers after hearing me. They even tried to stop me but the images would not stop replaying in my head. It was when the screaming and trying to push everyone away became tiring, I gave in to exhaustion and fell unconscious.
------------
I never saw him for weeks after since summer break had started, after I refused to return to school that week the incident in the infirmary occurred. Summer break ended and I was forced to go back to school as my parents thought I was missing too much of it lately. They had no idea about my rapist attending that school but they also had no idea what had happened two years ago. No one but I knew what had happened.
In science class I was forced to partner up with him as a lab partner despite my protest. Even he protested. After the incident at the infirmary he refused to look at me. It suited me fine. The teacher refused to change partners and they were being graded for the project.
The deadline was in two weeks which meant I was stuck with him for that long. We would meet in the library after school. We hardly spoke, only a few words would be exchanged because of our work. It only went on for the first week.
“This is ridiculous!” he exclaimed an hour later after we met up at the library on the Monday. I glanced up from the book I was reading for our research to see the frustration he was feeling. “I can’t stand it that I have to meet you every day after school for hours and we hardly speak!”
He was lucky that we were in a private room where it was special for some students. I made sure I was next to the door and I was always on guard. If he made any attempt to come closer, I would run out the room every time. He soon stopped moving from his seat until it was time to go.
“There is nothing ridiculous about it,” I said, holding my hand in a nonchalant gesture. “Why do we need to talk if we only need to do our work? Besides, I don't even want to talk to you, let alone be anywhere near you.”
He gasped. “I don't know why you hate me so much.” He paused as he recalled something. “You said I forgot something. Does that mean we knew each other before?”
I sent a chilling glare towards him. “Don't bring it up,” I warned.
“Why can’t you just tell me?”
“Every time I recall the past, I feel like I’m going to vomit. Every time I see your face, I remember and it makes me sick to the stomach. I still remember after that night how I would think of ways I would kill you.”
“Night? Kill me?”
I let out a short bitter laugh. “Ah, the ways I would think of killing you. How I wished you would never exist. How I wished you never destroyed me how you did.”
“What are you talking about?” he said in frustration, unable to understand me.
“Two years ago, do you not remember the night you raped me?”
He gasped. His eyes widened, his mouth hung open yet he could not utter a word.
“How could you forget the night you ruined me?” I went on accusing him. “How dare you forget what you have done? Did I never cross your mind at all?”
I was fuming once I finished. I got to my feet and left him still in shock. Tears welled at the corner of my eyes. My emotions that I tried to bury, were rushing back.
--------------
The next day when I got to school, I was surprised to find him missing. I didn't know if I should be relieved or depressed. Did he think he could start ignoring me now? I wouldn't have cared if he never came back to school only the professor warned me that if we fail to do the project, he will flunk us.
Wednesday came and there was still no sign of him. I was getting anxious as I refused to come to after school classes for the rest of the year. After school, I got his address from the homeroom teacher, who was happy to know I cared although he had no idea what my real intentions were.
It took me half an hour to find his house. It was white and huge. I hesitated before I rang the bell on the gate and waited nervously. It shocked me that I was willing to find him even if it was for my grades. I thought I’d despise him so much that I wouldn't care. Yet, here I was.
“Yes?” a female voice startled me. I looked around to see if anyone came out to find the place still deserted. “Can I help you?” the voice I realised was coming from the intercom.
“Urm... I’m Miura-san’s classmate,” I spoke quietly.
“Oh,” the woman merely said. I thought she might refuse to let me in, but the heavy metal gates opened in front of me.
I slowly walked to the house. Just as I got to the door, the door opened and a maid stepped out. She slightly bowed at me respectfully then motioned me inside without a word. I wondered if it was okay for me to go in. My thoughts drifted to the expensive layout of the house and it finally dawned to me that Haruma Miura was a rich kid.
I was guided to the living room, walking right behind the maid who was a few inches taller than my five foot two inches height.
“You said my friend came...” I heard him say to the maid who stepped to a side for him to get a view of me. His voice trailed off when his eyes landed on me. A gasp escaped his mouth. “W-w-what are you doing here?”
The maid bowed at us and left us while I stayed silence. We stared at each other uncomfortably until I finally decided to speak.
“At least finish the project before you do a disappearing act,” I told him,
He frowned. “Aren’t you scared to be alone with me?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I am scared of you but I’m also scared of staying behind at school late.”
He sighed and walked to the sofas and I followed him to sit opposite him. Silence once again enveloped us. “I was thinking of that night all this time,” he began startling me.
“I didn't come here to talk about that,” I coldly replied.
“But I want to talk about it,” he persisted. “I want to explain myself. It’s not an excuse but I still want you to listen.”
I bit my bottom lip stopping myself from crying. I had enough of that for two years. I just wanted to forget everything and move on.
“Two years ago I was a selfish rich brat,” he continued taking my silence as a go-ahead. “I was immature and loved everyone’s attention on me. So, when my so-called friends dared me to sleep with you,” I winced at the word, “I was a fool to listen. But... I didn't know who you were. I thought you were a high school girl just like all the girls there. I thought you were experienced. I was drunk. I couldn't stop when you were crying under me. I’m sorry.”
I buried my face in my hands, shaking and crying now. I could feel his eyes on me but I kept crying. The tears that I thought had dried over the years were flowing uncontrollably.
“The next day when my friends told me who you were I felt disgusted with myself,” he said over my sobbing. “I never forgot. I could never forget. When the night became clear after the hangover, I never was able to sleep well again. The screaming, crying and begging haunted me. I didn't return to school as I could never face you again. Apologising would never have eased the pain I have caused you.
“But now I wish I did come back to apologise even if I wouldn't be forgiven rather that run away. I had no idea I have given you a phobia towards men. I had no idea I have ruined your life. You dressed so differently that I didn't recognise you. I didn't even know your name”
Although, I can never forgive him, hearing him tell me those things, lifted some resentment towards him. I felt some weight lifting from my chest. I felt like I could breathe. I cried my fullest. I promised it would be the last time I cried over my past. I was determined to stand back up again.
It must have been an hour later that I finally calmed down. I wiped the tears away and sat up from my position. My eyes widened seeing Haruma staring at me. He had not moved from his place and looked like he was in pain.
“Inoue-san,” he spoke hoarsely. It sounded like he had been crying rather than me. “I vow that I’ll make up at least five percent of the pain I caused you. I know I can never make up for the other ninety-five percent but that five percent, I’ll use all my life to make it up. I’ll help you with anything you want. I’ll be there for you from now on doing whatever it takes to bring you back to your feet.”
I nearly choked at his confession. It took me by surprise. “Don't,” I quickly said. “Don't promise me anything.”
“I want to!” he cut in. “I promise that I’d do anything to make sure you have a happy life.”
-------------
After that vow he had made, he was true to it. We finished our project yet he stuck to me like glue in school and out. I was still cold towards him but I never pushed him away. I was shocked at myself for able to put up with him.
Wasn't it the last two years I have been thinking of how I hated him? How I thought of murdering him in the most horrible way? It was strange I after those two years meeting him changed my thoughts all together.
I still haven’t forgiven him.
But I couldn't hate him any longer. Not when he was trying so hard to please me.
Although my other classmates tried to steer him away from me, the nerd me, he refused to hang out with them unless I would too. In the end I was forced to hang out with them. At first I hated hanging with them, but soon I began to enjoy myself. Without realising it, I was starting to open up to my classmates and they began liking my presence.
One time I walked home late in the evening because I had been hanging around with my classmates. Haruma had been ill that day so he hadn't turned up. I suddenly felt the chills going up my spine when I felt a presence behind me. I hastened my steps. I heard the person behind me increase their speed.
My breath hitched when I realised I have walked into a dead end. I whipped around to face the pursuer. A lewd guy stood in front of me, his eyes were droopy and his mouth quirked up in a smirk.
“Hey, little girl,” the guy snickered. “What is a girl like you doing out late?”
I looked over him trying to find ways I could escape without him catching me but there was no way out. I was trapped. Dreadful thoughts ran through my mind. Would I be raped again? Was once not enough?
I backed away to the wall as he advanced closer. I was shaking in fear. “No!” I screamed. “Get away!”
“Shut up, you bitch,” the guy yelled angrily. “No one’s coming to save you.”
Just when he tried to grab for me, his raised hand was caught by another hand, holding onto it tightly. I gasped. In the dark I could make out the tall silhouette. Haruma. After hanging around with him a lot, I could recognise him anywhere now, even in the dark.
“Who said no one will come to save her?” he said. His voice was haggard and he sounded breathless making me believe he had been running. “Bastard, if you don’t take a hike, I’ll castrate you.”
The guy cowered under his height. He then pulled his hand back and ran away. Haruma let out a breath of air and turned to me.
“Are you okay?” he quickly asked in concern. “He never touched you did he?”
I shook my head. “You came just in time,” I was glad my voice wasn't shaky like I felt. “I thought you were ill. What are you doing here?”
He let out another breath of air. “Hamano-chan,” he was referring to our classmate Hamano Ayumu, “said that you persisted to go home alone and was worried. I thought of how stupid you were and ran all the way here.”
I was touched. Even when he was ill, he came to my rescue. He was really taking his promise very seriously. “Thank you for coming,” I whispered and tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes. “Really, thank you.”
“Stupid girl,” he muttered. He fell forward.
I quickly stepped forward and caught him before he fell to ground. He had lost conscious. Once my skin touched his, I felt the heat emitting from him that was more than normal body heat.
“Stupid boy,” I muttered back. “Why are you doing this to me?”
I was referring to my heart that was pounding hard in my chest just holding him. I didn't want to admit, that I have started to fall for him, the guy who I had claimed to have ruined my life, had taken my innocence and scarred me. Lately I realised that my world that had been in a standstill because of him had started to move again and it was because of him.
Haruma Miura had destroyed me. Haruma Miura had saved me.
My train of thoughts was cut off when his weight was crushing me. My knees buckled and I fell on the dirty ground with him crashing down on top of me. I held his head up as I sat up straight and allowed his head to rest on my shoulder. It felt comfortable. Taking out my cell phone I called the Miura residence and asked them to come pick him up.
I sat there in the dark, listening to his breathing rhythm. I kept him close to my body, hoping to keep him warm.
----------------
Through the winter break, I had presumed that I wouldn't see Haruma until the break ended but to my surprise he called me out the first day of our break. I had expected us to be hanging around with our classmates like we usually do. It was just the two of us.
For the first week, we watched movies, played in arcades, sang in a karaoke place and ate in different places. To me it felt like a date but I doubt Haruma thought the same way as I did. He was only obligated to be with me. On Christmas Day he took me to a very beautiful place up at the roof top of an abandoned factory. I wasn't frightened of being alone with him by then. He brought a cake, gave me a necklace as a present and waited to show me the fireworks that lit the night sky.
On New Year’s we met up with our classmates who wanted to hang out. I was a little upset that I couldn't be alone with him.
My classmate, Ryo Nishikido, noticed me pouted and questioned it out loud. “What’s up, Inoue-chan?”
I glared at him for bringing all the attention on me. I forced on a smile. “Nothing. I’m fine.” Seeing as he wasn't taking my answer seriously I went on. “It’s just it will be another year. I’m just thinking what I’m grateful for, that’s all.”
It seemed that he was finally satisfied with the answer. His girlfriend beside him agreed. “I know what you mean,” Ayumu exclaimed.
Christine, my other female classmate who is also our usual crowd, shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. “You should be thinking that all the time. Be grateful for what you have, right Pi-kun?”
Pi, Tomohisa Yamashita, was Christine’s boyfriend. He nodded. “Of course, darling.”
It was always the six of us hanging around. There were four other guys, Keiichiro Koyama, Takahisa Masuda, Shigeki Kato and Yuya Tegoshi who would hang out with them some times. But those guys irked me the most as they were the biggest perverts. Actually, Ryo and Pi were also perverts but with their girlfriends keeping them on a leash, I wasn't scared of them as much. Though I was more open now, it was still hard for me to get close to guys.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Haruma asked as he walked me home. “You were quiet all this time.”
My head shot up to look him straight in the eye. I had no idea he had noticed. “I-I’m fine.”
“Really?” he wasn't convinced. “You’re talking to Haruma-sama here. You can’t hide anything from Haruma-sama.”
My mouth quirked up into a smile and then seconds later I burst out laughing. He had always made me laugh whenever he referred to himself in third person. Once my laughter died down, I looked at him seriously.
“Haruma-kun,” I said, “if you never returned I don't think I would have ever come out of my shell. No matter what happened in the past, I decided to bury it and move forward.”
He had that pained expression back on his face whenever he thought of what he had done. “I’m glad.”
My face softened. “So, you don't need to stay beside me as if you’re compelled to.”
He gasped. “I don't...”
“I like you,” I blurted out causing him to stop short on his protest. He clamped his mouth and stared at me in shock and confusion. “I never thought I’d fall for you but I have despite the past. Once I got to know the real you, I began to fall for you. Today’s the end of the year and we’re just friends. I want to start off next year being more friends.”
He kept his mouth shut tightly. I was dejected as I took his silence as a rejection.
“Sorry,” I quickly went on. “I had no idea that I was being selfish. I’m so sorry. I just blurted it out like that without thinking of your feelings. Forget what I said. We’ll stay as fr...”
A hand clamped my mouth stopping me from finishing the sentence. “Don't take it back,” he half-pleaded and half-cried out. “How could you possibly take it back after confessing?”
I didn't know what to think. Did that mean he wanted us to me more than friends?
“I like you too,” he admitted. “I just didn't want to tell you because I didn't deserve you after the pain I had caused you. I thought you would never return my feelings so I kept it to myself.” His face crumpled up as if he was about to cry. He let go of my mouth and traced my jaw line with the back of his hand. “To hear you say that you like me too, I don't know if I deserve it.”
I shook my head, causing him to drop his hands to his side, and cupped his chin and pulling it down. Before he could comprehend what I was going to do, I tiptoed to meet his lips. After a few seconds I pulled back and grinned toothily.
“Let’s forget about the past and think about our future,” I announced, letting go of his chin and taking a step back. “Since we both like each other, we’ll just start from there.”
A slow smile appeared on his mouth. He then wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Our faces were an inch away. We could feel each other’s breath. I gazed into his brown orbs.
“Yes,” he agreed, breathlessly. “Let’s start dating from tomorrow.”
I giggled only to be cut off when his mouth smacked into mine once, twice and many more times.
It was funny how I could fall in love with him, but I have fallen head over heels. My hate for him had grown to love. I don't know if I have forgiven him but I don't blame him anymore.
The past had been forgotten. The future had started to plan out for us. Even when we were dating, he always went an extra mile just to please me. Christine and Ayumu whined to their boyfriends demanding them to be sweet like Haruma while Ryo and Pi complained to Haruma to tone his love for me down.
That year there was so many changes. I no longer was an anti-social girl, I had friends and my heart wasn't scarred anymore. I loved him and he loved me back. That year my blissful life started with him...
Labels: fanfic
DATE:Monday 26 March 2012
TIME:{12:13 }
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